Forwarded Massage II (Classic)

After the seminal Forwarded Massage I (Classic), here's Part II. The author's still unknown. God bless her! Or him!

WARNING: Reading this out loud (and acting it out like I did) would really screw up your grammar IQ.

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I thought Jay's ex-girlfriend was really out of our lives. But heaven only goes
that I was wrong. Kakakasal pa lang namin nun when Jay received a uninamous
text. "Meet me at the clinic." I had a stinking feeling in my butt. I told him
not to go. It might in danger him. Pero sabi niya, ok lang daw because life is
what we make. Tumahimik lang ako. Sabi niya, "Penny for you talks." But I didn't
know what to say. Beggars can't be losers. Isa pa, worried talaga ako na baka
yung girl yun. Jay said, "Can't got your tongue?" I tried to smile at him. Kahit
di ako nagsalita, actions speak louder than works, di ba?

Be that as is
may, umalis pa rin siya. I was out of the loophole. After a few hours, I called
him on his cellphone. But my calls fell on Jeff's ears. Lalo akong nag-worry
kasi I didn't even know Jeff. Sabi na nga ba di na dapat umalis si Jay. That's
what I'm talking about it.

So I tried calling some friends who will help
me find Jay. That's what friends are for naman di ba? But I just faced a blank
mall. I had to do this alone. Nag-taxi na lang ako. Pero ang mahal na pala ng
plug down rate.

When I got to the clinic, the security was really buffed
up. Di basta- basta makakapasok. So I said, "I beg your cordon. I'm patient.
It's my favorite virtue nga e.Nagduda yata yung isang guard. Hinawakan ako sa
arm. The nerd! I shouted, "Don't touch me not!" Buti na lang the other guards
were nice and said, "Come on, let's join us."

When I went inside, parang
I've been there, done there. Nung walang nakatingin, nag-explore ako. Nakarating
ako sa top floor and I had a bird's IQ of the clinic. I could not explain it but
I was drawn to a room on the floor. Siguro Divine Intermission na yun.

Parang may narinig akong umuungol. I was thorn. Di ko alam kung aalis ba
ako o papasukin ko. It made me stick in the stomach to think that Jay and his
ex-girlfriend were there. I tried to tell myself to slower my expectations. But
to tell with it! I had to strike while the iron is not. I had to hear the truth
from the corpse's mouth. I barraged in. O my gas! Si Jay, naka-strap sa
operating table, parang genie pig sa isang nakakatakot na experiment. He was on
the cutting edge. He was bleeding. At ang doctor na nagpapahirap sa kanya, ang
ex- girlfriend niya at ang bago nitong boyfriend, ang nurse na si Walter. Doon
ko napatunayang blood is thicker than Walter.

Guess watch? Di ko alam
kung paano ko nagawa pero I was able to search and rescue Jay. Siguro adrenaline
brush na yun.

Now, he's recovering. Nag-sorry siya na hindi siya nakinig
sa akin. I know it's a better pill to swallow your pride so it's forgive and
forget me not. All swell that end swell. I know we should kiss and put on
makeup.

Ang ex-girlfriend naman niya at si Walter, nakakulong na.
Detention is really better than cure. So the moral of the lesson is: if symptoms
persist, insult your doctor.

The Day Sally Decides to be Single and...

Made out of unexplainable boredom and paranoia.

Keeping It Together

So for a minute I thought that the train was going to run me over and grind my innards into a summer fruit slosh on the Ayala station tracks. But then Oliver grabbed my collar and pulled me back, and I'm reminded of that scene from Sassy Girl where the very drunk love interest is saved by the unassuming protagonist.

I don't want to ramble on and on. But I have to tell you that my life flashed before my eyes and it was a pretty boring show. If I could I would've channel surfed, or subscribed to a different cable provider. I'm regretting that I didn't live my life. And I mean LIVE like the way the boys in "Stand By Me" or the dimwitted beauties on "Temptation Island" circa 1980 film did.

"You all right?"

"Yeah," I said. It's a strange feeling to be looking at Oliver so closely. My recollection of him in college was this unflappable and gorgeous student who made being a genius in engineering equivalent to owning a car. And he owned a car. How uber-cool was that? Years later he's within breathing distance and I can barely feel my legs -- the skin on his face was luminous, his eyes evenly lashed, his bone structure was a candidate for the perfect symmetry test. He could blind me with all that beauty. I reached to touch my eyes and pretended there was something in them.

When he spoke again, there was a mini second delay from the time his mouth moved to the point where I heard his voice. Like a missing audio-video lock, video editors would say. "You should really be careful."

"Yeah." It was the only word in my vocabulary that moment. I wanted to run into the wall and smash my head to get the words out, pick them up like I would do to coins from a broken coin bank. See? I have pretty coins! I have sparkling wit!

"I gotta go. You sure you could find your way back? On your own?" he asked.

There really was no point to the question, I realize just now. He wanted me to go on my own because he didn't have time, the energy, or the emotional attachment, for him to accompany me to my house's doorstep. That's the problem with married guys.

"Yeah."

We waited for the next train to arrive, and when the doors opened, I managed to squeeze my way through the egressing mob and into the car. I heard the buzzer and the doors closed. Oliver had gone. I felt faint, but the pack of people held me up. I might have lost my cellphone which I put in my shoulder bag pocket, but I wasn't really up to protecting anything. All I focused on was getting home without falling apart.

Homecoming

She knew where everything was -- the piano, the old reading lamps, the weathered garden set. It was as if she flashbacked into the past, for a split second, and then she saw beyond the thick blanket of dust and white cloth that covered everything. She was all alone now, officially. She had just buried her last parent. Her brothers had settled in another country, never wanting to see Manila again. She had come back for no particular reason, but having no particular reason was as compelling as having one.

"Oh hello."

Someone, in a white flowing veil, snuck out of the doorway at the far end of the hall. The little girl stared back with her dark eyes.

"Hello," the little girl answered.

There was a jasmine flower stuck in the girl's ear. Missa felt the scent soak into her skin, the fragrant air dropping a few degrees colder. The girl started to walk very small, unsure steps toward the woman in front of her.

"You're back," the girl said.

Missa walked toward the girl, confident and business-like, as if meeting a new client.

"Well, I don't know for how long. How are you?" Missa asked. She even offered her hand to shake.

The girl scratched her nose and looked at the ceiling. What could possibly be more interesting than the spanish lamps hanging up there, she must have thought. "Your parents, they're all right, you know," she said.

Missa gazed at the girl. Then her hands trembled at her side; her chest tightened as if a balloon was inflating, wanting to burst her open into a mess of shattered organs, limbs, body parts. Her knees fell sharply to the floor. The pain was too much.

The girl clutched Missa's arms quickly-- she was very near her now. Missa shivered in her own tears, tears she kept from escaping when she went to the hospital to see her mother fading, shrinking into her bed. These were the same tears she hid with dark Gucci sunglasses at her father's burial.

"You shouldn't worry too much, Missa," the girl said again. She stroked Missa's hair with her pale bony hand, then wrapped her arms around Missa's grieving body. A few days from now, the girl thought, her friend will be back to her old self.

On the Street Where You Live

Awww...This boy is going to grow up a heartbreaker.

Absolutely Nothing

“It’s eight already.”

“Oh.”

“Aren’t we supposed to be in Portico’s by now?”

“Hmm.”

“What’s the matter?”

“It’s nice sitting here in a café. By ourselves. Do we really have to?”

“Yeah.”

“I suddenly don’t feel like going. I’m getting tired just thinking about it.”

“Got a text. Katz and Menands are there, waiting. Soon the rest are going to be there.”

“It’s going to be the same conversation…”

“We haven’t seen them in months, Sally.”

“But we email them all the time.” Sighs. It is the first of many.

“It’s not the same, okay.”

“You’re right. It’s not the same.”

There is a lull. “You’re still not getting up. Does this mean I have to convince you?”

“Tell me one thing, just one thing, that’ll make me want to get my ass over there.”

Sighs. Looks through the windows, then down at the pack of people in the park waiting, waiting. “I got it. And if this doesn't get you moving, I don’t know what. Wanna hear it?”

“Okay.”

Holds breath. Looks Sally in the eye. "Oliver."

Two seconds, Sally's up and running to Portico's.

FORWARDED MASSAGE (Classic)

NOTE: Isang classic forwarded email message. Nung nilipat ko ito sa Word, nagbreakdown yung grammar-check ng Microsoft. Kung sino man ang nagsulat nito, dapat kang bigyan ng award.

We' ve been friends for a long time ago. We come from the same alma mother. Actually, our paths crossed one time on another. But it's only now that I gave him a second look. I realized that beauty is in the eyes. The pulpbits of my heart went fast, really fast. Cute pala siya. And then, he came over with me. He said, "I hope you don't mine. Can I get your number?"

Nag-worry ako. What if he doesn't give it back? He explained naman na it's so we could keep intact daw. Sabi ko, "Connect me if i'm wrong but are you asking me ouch?"

"The!?!!??". .. ang sarcastic na sagot nya.

Aba! The verb! Parang siya pa ang galit! Persona ingrata!!! Ang kapal niya! I cried buckles of
tears.

Na-guilty yata siya. Sabi niya, isipin mo na lang na this is a blessing in the sky. Irregardless daw of his feelings, we should go ouch na rin.

Now, we're so in love. Mute and epidemic na ang past. Thanks God we swallowed our fried. Kasi, I'm 33 na and I'm running our time.

After 2 weeks, he plopped the question. "Will you marriage me?" I'm in a state of shocked. Kasi mantakin mo, when it rains, it's four! This is true good to be true. So siyempre, I said yes. Love is a many splendor.

Pero nung inaayos ko na ang aming kasal, everything swell to pieces. Nag-di-dinner kami noon nang biglang sa harap ng aming table, may babaeng humirit ng, "Well, well, well. Look do we have here." What the fuss! The nerd ng babaeng yon! She said they were still on. So I told her, Whatever is that, cut me some slacks! I didn't want this to get our hand kaya I had to sip it in the bud. She accused me of steeling her boyfriend. As is!!! I don't want to portrait the role of the other woman.

Gosh, tell me to the marines! I told her, "please, mine you own business!" Who would believe her anyways? Dahil it's not my problem anymore but her problem anymore, tumigil na rin siya ng panggugulo. Everything is coming up daisies. I'm so happy. Even my boyfriend said like twice. He's so supportive. Sabi niya, "Look at is this way. She's our of our lives."

Kaya advise ko sa inyo - take the risk. You can ever can tell. Just burn the bridge when you get there. Life is shorts. If you make a mistake, we'll just pray for the internal and external repose
of your soul. I second emotion.

My Ego is As Big As This Planet

"Did you get to read this?"

"Yeah."

"You think it's you he's referring to?"

"Of course not. I wouldn't dream of it."

"So why did he run a script?"

"He's probably bored. Or going back to his stage roots."

Scratches head. "Stage roots?"

"On stage. Like a drama. He wrote plays. He also used to be an actor."

"The word 'stalk' also appeared..."

"It shouldn't mean anything."

"You wrote about stalking days ago. A full week ago."

"The word 'stalking' isn't copyrighted. He's free to do what he wants."

"You're such a liar."

"You're saying I'm a liar." (Repeats because she has just gotten out of an emotions management seminar.)

"Deep inside, you're looking for an affirmation from one of the country's bemedalled writers."

"Off it."

"You're human. It's normal to feel that way."

"I am so not listening. ... But I am wondering what prompted him though. I wonder which blog he was referring to."

"It's *this* blog."

"Come on. Sobra ka naman."

"Uyy... kinikilig sya..."

"Di noh! I don't have a big ego. I am so humble it makes me weep."

"So how do you think he's 1) using a script 2) uses the word ego 3) referring the blog author is a girl."

"He doesn't say the author's a girl."

"But he keeps hiding the gender. Ergo, female."

"What?"

"I think we should get dinner. My ulcer's going straight to my head." Starts to pack. "Would be nice to think it was really me though. Wished he'd comment or something."

END.

But Of Course, James!

From Shameless.

Cold Feet and Destiny

"You're home early. How was it?"

"Terrible."

"You were Little Miss Sunshine before you left this morning..."

"I know. I fucked it up."

"Language."

"Who cares. "

"What happened?"

"Ten minutes before I got out of the cab, I chickened out."

"Attack of the cold feet?"

"I don't know. Maybe I'll never grow up. I can't stand rejection. And it would be my third try to ask him out. And it's awful that I had to wait until the art session was over before I could subtlely and tastefully ask him if he'd like to join me for dinner."

"Aww, that is so lame."

"Not to someone who's been doing the chasing. Mother Nature would have smacked me for being Ms Desperate. I'm tired. I'm a walking sad story. After the presentation I just walked out of the gallery and drowned myself in cafe mocha. I finished 2 ventis."

"This is the 21st century. There is nothing wrong with chasing... Wait, I think the correct term should be 'being proactive.'"

"I have a 21st century retort to that. 'He's not that into me.'"

Pause. "Maybe it's you who's not that into him."

Pause. "That's possible."

Removes shoes. Sits down and swings legs on the arms of sofa.

"I'm probably not meant to be with anyone."

"Shush! That's not true."

"It's sad, but it could be, you know. It's not a bad thing -- being single. Maybe this is the way life's meant to be for me."

"Oh, don't give up because of one little mishap."

"It's been a series of mishaps, my dear. And it's not giving up. Maybe it's ... having an epiphany." Looks to sister. "Are you happy with your boyfriend?"

"Let's not change the subject, shall we?"

"My point exactly. Maybe everyone's supposed to be single. We're not built for conflict on a 24 seven basis."

"How about procreation?"

"People have sex all the time, and most of the time there's no emotional connection. It's just body part this and body part that rubbing against each other. Nothing substantial comes from it. It's just a waste of energy."

"That's not true."

"How do you know?"

Pregnant pause again. "Where is all this coming from?"

"The fact that I'm thirty. I'm single. I'm successful but I don't feel I'm living."

"Aunt Celia got married when she was fifty. There's still hope."

"If you're asking me to post my profile on that internet dating service, get off it. I got one out there in the virtual universe and it's disappointing that no one, NO ONE, ever dropped me a line."

"You're angry."

"My eggs are going to die without even seeing a shadow of a sperm cell. I might not have children. Like Aunt Celia. Like old, withered, frigid, Auntie Celia."

"You should talk to her. Aunt Celia. She'll change your mind, am sure of it."

"Where is she?"

"On her honeymoon cruise with John. They're...," looks at watch,"in Seychelles by this time."

"Do you believe in fate? Destiny?"

"Yes. It's my favorite premise in any chick flick."

"Well, I was waiting for the Simpson's movie to start last night, in Rockwell. I was in Fully Booked. Bumped into an old classmate. She had two of her friends along -- a girl and a guy. The guy and I got on pretty well..."

"You got it on?"

"Ano ba? What I meant was 'rapport.' When the movie was about to start, I felt a bit sad because we'd be in separate seats. Because we didn't buy our tickets at the same time. It was really strange you know..."

"Suspense. I can't stand suspense."

"We went in opposite directions, them left, me right. But we arrived at the same row. The guy and I turned out to be seatmates. "

"That's destiny."

"It's not."

"How could you say that when there was a score of other seats available and you two were meant to sit together? You had no hand in the choosing."

"Well, I gave him my business card later after the show. He has not called me since last night. He's not that into me."